Steven Seagal: Lawman rides back into town for a THIRD time. For Reelz.

Steven Seagal, yes that's right, Steven Seagal is back on the streets in what might be his best role to date, that of a LAWMAN.

The American cable channel REELZ (which, at this point, needs to change its name to "The Steven Seagal channel") has acquired the rights to the entire show's run, including the "lost" third season, and will begin airing seasons 1 & 2 this year with a view to the big season 3 premiere in January of 2014.

Sadly though there will be no more Seagal and Johnny antics in season 3. After some legal issues halted production of season 2 in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, Season 3 was started up in Seagal's current law enforcement stomping ground, Maricopa County, Arizona under the watchful eye of "America's toughest sheriff" Joe Arpaio. This is where the alleged puppy killing by a tank while breaking up a possible cockfighting ring ensued (you couldn't come up with that if you tried). More legal issues that would basically encourage the A&E channel (original producers of the show) to not air the third season of, what should have been, at this point called, "Steven Seagal in trouble with the law, man"

Johnny or not, I for one will be tuning in to this series and savouring again the wonderful lunacy of Seagal's philosophising, Seagal O'Vision and finding out what other skills and occupations this man has been accumulating over the last 40 years.

Also Reelz has the option to make more if they want so even season 3 might not be the last we see of this endlessly weird and wonderful series.

- The Kick Ass Kid

Sly spills the beans on EXPENDABLES 3 via Twitter

Ok, so after lots of rumours flying around the internet since seemingly the premiere of EX2, Sly Stallone took to twitter this week to finally set the record straight.

The tweets in question were as follows:
Writing EX3 at the moment... there are going to be mountains of surprises..
EX3 needs NEW blood and more humor.... The films were always meant to be more on the humorous side with moments of drama
No S. Seagal, sorry ,but maybe we get lucky with J. Chan! And some young bloods!!!
By young I mean 22 to 27. Not big bruisers but tech wizard, super brains and a young woman who is not a sex symbol but funny ,tough,REAL

Looking at those tweets the news is both exciting and disappointing. A new Expendables movie will ALWAYS be exciting news and the fact that Sly is once again writing it is good.

The first thing that strikes us as curious is the fact that Jackie Chan is not the lock-in everyone expected and second, of course, is the fact that Doc and Kid favourite Steven Seagal has clearly definitely declined or Sly did not extend his offer to the 3rd film. Maybe Seagal "laughed in their face", maybe he was too busy arming schools or maybe the studio declined the catering budget required.

All this talk of humour and young bloods doing tech stuff is also worrying. The first one, while having good banter between the cast, wasn't anywhere near a comedy but more a traditional 80s style action movie and the second, while openly funnier, doesn't exactly back up the claim that the films were always intended to be on the humourous side and as for the young bloods comment, it really smacks to me of studio meddling because of the recent poor performance of older action men in the box office.

However, in Sly we trust and we mustn't get greedy, that the first two exist at all is phenomenal and while the internet (and us) clearly want the likes of Rothrock, Snipes, Seagal, Cage etc. whatever EX3 turns out to be, you can guarantee we'll be there opening night!

-The Kick Ass Kid

 

Sly and Seagal once got physical

Various places online are reporting that Stallone once slammed Mr Squinty Whisperer himself, Steven Seagal, up against a wall based on some quotes that Stallone made recently to Shortlist magazine.

Apparently the altercation happened after Seagal said he didn't want to be associated with him and his set of macho action film actors.
No, of course not Steven, because you are a serious martial artist, you have integrity and super powers, you don't want wealth, fame, popularity or the chance to stay in the limelight longer than 5 minutes. Why would you? hahaha

Stallone said: ''Steven Seagal said that he, 'Didn't associate with that kind of element' - meaning me. So I slammed him up against a wall. ''At that time, our testosterone was running full bore. He was full of his height [Steven is 6ft 3in, Sylvester is 5ft 10in] and I was full of ... Myself. But we made up. He can be very abstract.''
That may be the best description of Seagal ever "He can be very abstract" ahhh yes, that he can be Sly!

Hey, how come your coat don't have lovely tassels like mine homes?

Hey, my jacket maybe ridiculous, like I'm a spangly fat Beatle, but that shirt's unforgivable ese 

Of course it was at Stallone's house one year that the famous rift between Seagal and Van Damme became apparent as Sly let on a few years back talking to Ain't It Cool News and saying
"But I remember once, at my home in Miami, I believe it was in ’96 or’97, Van Damme was there with Seagal, Willis, Schwarzenegger, Shaquille O’Neal, Don Johnson and Madonna… it was a heck of a party. Van Damme was tired of Seagal saying he could kick his ass and went right up to him and offered him the chance to step outside so he could wipe the floor with him, or should I say wipe the backyard with him. Seagal made some excuse and left. His destination was some Ocean Drive nightclub in Miami. Van Damme, who was completely berserk, tracked him down and again offered him a fight, and again Seagal pulled a Houdini. Who would win? I have to say I believe Van Damme was just too strong and Seagal wanted no part of it. That’s just my opinion."

Taken back when all three of these people looked normal

Stallone still gets on well with Jean-Claude Van Damme, his co-star and sparring partner in Expendables 2 and he even lets the Belgian star do an impression of him.
He added to Shortlist magazine: ''I swear to God. But even he does this, 'Ahhhm doin' daah mooovie with Slaaaah Stallone. How ya doin', baby?' Now you have him, with a French accent, doing my accent. Gimme a break!''

Steven Seagal will not be sued over using TANK to break up an alleged cockfight

Yes it's news of everyon'e favourite cop, mr. flappy hands himself, Steven Seagal!

Apparently Sheriff Joe Arpaio and "Lawman" Steven Seagal are not going to be sued by a Jesus Llovera who was claiming the Sheriff's Office had raided his house just to get publicity for Seagal's reality (comedy) show.

Basically the plaintiff, Jesus Llovera didn't respond to the judge's orders to further the case and so it was all dropped. I am sure Seagal is mopping his tanned, wrinkled, fatty, sweaty forehead in relief.

"Thank god for that Johnny, I thought they'd have my flappy hands bang to rights"

Llovera's also accused MCSO and Seagal of possibly murdering a puppy, sadly a claim that didn't show up in this lawsuit.

According to the lawsuit, in addition to Seagal and his camera crew, MCSO brought along an armored tank, "at least" 30 deputies in "full riot gear," "ear-crushing diversionary bombs," and other stuff while ramming the gate to his property and smashing all the windows -- in full view of the cameras -- on their way in to arrest Llovera on a cockfighting charge.
Which seems perfectly ok to the Doc and me. Men fighting with their penises in public must be stopped at all costs. Especially by Seagal in a tank! Clearly Mr.Llovera didn't realise that is the only vehicle Mr.Seagal can now travel in due to his expanding girth.

MCSO said this raid was nothing out of the ordinary. Which means they often used heavily armoured vehicles to pretect the sanctity of a chicken's miserable life. Nice to know.

I like to believe that after the law suit was dropped Steven Seagal went round to Mr.Llovera's house and laughed in his face while enticing the chickens away from him through the power of his buddhist electric guitar playing techniques.

Come with me chickens if you want to live